Things That Don’t Happen to Thin People

10. Thin people don't stand in line for two hours at Six Flags and then realize that their ARSE doesn't fit in the roller coaster seat.
9. Thin people don't worry about having to get a seat belt extender on the airplane.
8. Thin people don't find that their butt has escaped between the slats in the lawn chair and is now scraping the ground.
7. Thin people don't have to worry about getting out of the tanning bed to find that three inches on each side of their body didn't get any "sun".
6. Thin people don't have to mentally calculate whether the elevator can take them on in addition to the others already aboard.
5. Thin people don't end up on America's Funniest Videos in some kind of porch swing or above-ground pool incident.
4. Thin people can usually para-sail without fear of overloading a boat motor.
3. Thin people can drive a Cooper Mini.
2. Thin people don't usually get snickered at in Cycling Gear.
1. Thin people can order a double Whopper without so much as a raised eyebrow from the Burger King staff.

Just thought I'd share about some of the things in life that thin people miss out on. It's a wonder they have any fun at all...

Hit Man Wanted…

I have lived in this house for 3 years. In the time that we have lived here, it has come to my attention that the man from down the street encourages his stupid poodle to take his daily poop walks in MY yard. Sadly, the first time I had my suspicions, the poodle was not in the yard, but his little present was oozing between my toes. Yes, I used to go check my mail barefoot. But not any more.

About two weeks after we moved in, I looked out of my kitchen window to see the gentleman walking down the cul de sac towards my house. Let me also add that he passes TWO empty lots and about 5 other houses to get to my yard. His stupid little poodle is walking alongside him. The man stopped to chat with a neighbor, and that's when it happened. He looks at the poodle, and then points his finger toward the plum tree in my yard. The poodle then walks up to the plum tree and deposits a pile of poodle poo underneath it. I walked out the front door and made eye contact with this fellow. And I shook my head. I thought I made my point, but I think he took it as a dare.

My other neighbor actually approached the guy because the poodle was going in his yard too. He asked the guy to keep his poopy poodle out of his yard. I think it might have worked. But the poodle is still pooping in my yard. I even try to scare the thing out of the yard. I have thrown rocks at it, sent my dog after it, and even tried to hit it with my car. Well I wouldn't have hit it with my car, but I want it and its owner to think I might.

So what do I do? Can you hire a hit on a poodle? Are there poodle hit men? I actually have a plan, but I don't know if I have the guts. We've bought a lot in another neighborhood with the intention of building a house. Our neighbors have two horses. Horses make big poop. I thought maybe I should collect some of these piles of horse puckey and maybe plant a few poo piles in the poodle guy's yard. But I'm a big chicken. I'm open to ideas...