We Are a Dippy Bunch

So sometimes brain cells hide. Sometimes we do crazy things and later we look back and go WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?! Sometimes we do things in our sleep that boggle the mind. FOR EXAMPLE...
I had to go to a birth last night, so my husband was in bed watching TV. He likes to turn on the TV and fall asleep, which usually isn't a problem. But lately he has developed the habit of flipping channels while in that space between awake and asleep. For the most part, it's just annoying because I'll still be awake and he's over there snoring and right when I get interested in what's on, his finger goes to flipping and he's completely unaware.
Well last night he took it to a new level. Somehow in his sleep he purchased a PPV event for 55 bucks. A UFC fight, nonetheless. This is really funny because my hubby doesn't watch UFC fights, NASCAR, football, or any of these types of annoying male sports.
So I had to call the satellite company today to discuss how to undo a PPV prepaid event that was purchased while asleep. If you've followed my blog from the beginning you'll remember how much I like calling the satellite company. If you haven't, see the post called Voice-Activated Menus. Anyway, after the lady picked herself up off the floor and stopped laughing, she informed me that since it was purchased with the remote, that they couldn't cancel it. But she did say that if I called back after it hit my bill, they'd credit me. How nice, right? So now I have to give my hubby a fake remote to hold while he falls asleep so he won't be buying PPV events. I did figure out how to hide and lock the PPV events on the menus.
SO since I've outed my husband, I'll tell a little story about myself.
Last night I was on my way to a birth at the Army hospital. When you go on base, you have to stop at the visitor center to get a pass if you aren't military, which I am not. SO I march into the visitor center with my drivers license and my car registration. The lady then informs me that she cannot let me on base because MY LICENSE WAS EXPIRED. Oh geez. So I have a paying client waiting on her doula and I can't get on base because I let my license expire. *forehead slap* DOH! My husband had to come and drive me to the gate and my client's husband had to pick me up and take me to the hospital. I felt like a big heel. My client delivered 4 weeks early, so I just didn't have my doula head on. But the baby was born at 7am today, and she is BEAUTIFUL.
Anyway, so I just thought I'd share some of the dimwitted things we do at our house. Ciao!

*I* Am a Feminist

I was reading a very interesting article this week from Camille Paglia about Sarah Palin. Here's the link: http://www.salon.com/opinion/paglia/2008/09/10/palin/
This quote really stood out to me, "Feminism, which should be about equal rights and equal opportunity, should not be a closed club requiring an ideological litmus test for membership."

It really got me to rethinking my thoughts on feminism. I would never have associated myself with the term, simply because in my view, feminism espouses a belief system with which I could never agree. I am anti-abortion for starters. I believe that life begins at conception, and that it is murder to take that life. Of course if you read further in this article, the author (who is pro-abortion) believes the same thing. I guess I am just different in that I have a problem with murder. Some of the other tenets of what I would consider feminism I find abhorrent. But I have always equated feminism with politics. I believed that feminists were always Democrats or Libertarians, and that I could never find common ground enough with the term feminist to define myself as such.

But this statement made me stop and think about feminism and other terms that tend to be stereotypical. There are people who think that the word Christian is a one-size-fits-all term to include people who blow up abortion clinics and believe birth control is the devil's tool. I would find that term offensive if applied to me, but at the same time if someone calls themself a feminist, I think of a man-hating, pro-abortion, left-leaning nutcase.

So what is a feminist? I don't want to get into redefining a term so that it suits me, but I don't want to leave it at the previously described stereotype either.

Let me talk about what I do for a minute. I am a childbirth educator and a birth and postpartum doula. What does that mean? Well, I teach childbirth classes to expectant mothers and families, educating them on what their choices are concerning their upcoming delivery. There are a lot of choices available to women in relation to their pregnancy and childbirth, and I believe that education is important. As a birth doula, I help women to research their options and choose how they want to bring their babies into the world. As a postpartum doula, I come into the home and help new mothers transition into the role by assuring their households and families are taken care of while they recover from childbirth and bond with their new baby.

I believe that my job as a doula and educator are VERY feminist. No, I am not pro-choice, I am PRO-CHOICES. I believe that education is the key, that women feel empowered when they are given options and the opportunity to choose which ones work for THEM. So maybe I am more feminist than I thought, and maybe even more feminist than some of the more liberal women who are only pro-choice, not pro-choices.

High Efficiency Washer Plus Four Scoops of Detergent…

So my son Zion is learning to do laundry. He's almost 9, and we let him wash the towels. I have a high efficiency front-loading washer, which only requires a small fraction of a scoop of laundry detergent.

We have a new puppy as well, and whoever feeds her knows that she gets 4 tablespoons of puppy food 3 times a day. (she's a VERY small dog) See where this is going?

So Zion decided to do a load of towels yesterday, and somehow he got the dog food requirements mixed up with the laundry detergent requirements. Yep, 4 giant scoops of laundry detergent went in with the towels. It only takes 1/4 of a scoop of detergent. Yep, OH MY! So Josh goes to check on whether the towels are ready to go into the dryer, only to find bubbles streaming out of the top of the washing machine where you load the soap and bleach and fabric softener. WOW! Then he gets the bright idea to OPEN the washing machine door. BIG mistake! Bubbles bubbles everywhere, it was like a scene from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Oh, did I mention that ALL of the towels were in the washer?

CLEAN UP ON AISLE FIVE!!!

I Go Potty All By Myself

Yesterday I met up with my hubby for lunch. He asked me to come along with him to eat lunch at Cracker Barrel with some hootie-tootie insurance agents that his boss is wanting him to market (kiss up) to.
So I'm dressed nice, even got my jewelry on. I walk in with John, and he introduces me to everyone around the table. We sit down and the waitress takes our orders. I decided to excuse myself to go to the bathroom. Now, I've been to the bathroom at Cracker Barrel before, just not THIS particular one. And just about every Cracker Barrel that I can recall has the ladies restroom on the right and the men's on the left. So I got up and moseyed into the restroom. I noticed that there were only two stalls, and for a second I thought that was odd, but I went ahead and went in the first stall and did my business. I remember also thinking that they needed to clean the bathroom, it was borderline grody. Then I heard the door open, and I kept waiting to hear the door on the next stall click shut. Nothing. So after I finished, I opened the door to find a DUDE standing in front of the URINAL doing his business. He didn't look up or anything, and I slid out the door. OMG I went in the MEN'S BATHROOM!
So I was pretty embarrassed, and I slunk back to the table. John took one look at me and says, "OK what did you do?" I whispered to him what happened, and he just starts GUFFAWING. Which led to him sharing my story with everyone at the table.
SO yeah, I'm embarrassed...

Voice Activated Menus

"HI! Thank you for calling (Satellite TV Provider). I see you are calling from (phone number). Is that the correct number for the account you are calling about? Please say Yes or No."

"Yes"

"I'm sorry, I did not get that."

"YES"

"OK, before I transfer you to a representative, please tell me specifically what you are calling about today."

"I ordered a remote control, and it has not arrived."

"I'm sorry, that movie has already started, it will be available again on September 12 at 10pm for $6.50. Please say the title of another movie you would like to order, or say 'Main Menu' to return to the previous menu."

"Main Menu."

"I'm sorry, that movie is rated for mature viewers, and your account is restricted from this type of film. Please choose another feature."

"MAIN MENU."

"I'm sorry, that movie is rated for mature viewers, and your account is restricted from this type of film. Please choose another feature."

"I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO A HUMAN PLEASE!"

"OK, before I transfer you to a representative, please tell me specifically what you are calling about today."

"I ordered a remote control and it has not arrived."

"I'm sorry, that movie has already started..."

"IF YOU DON'T PUT A #$@$#% HUMAN ON THE #@$@%&^* PHONE RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO..."

"You can order this movie for a $1.50 convenience fee, if I transfer you to an agent, it will cost $3.50 more."

CLICK.

"HI! Thank you for calling (Satellite TV Provider). I see you are calling from (phone number). Is that the correct number for the account you are calling about? Please say Yes or No."

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 (dialing zeros)

"I am transferring you to an agent now."

"THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

So the agent answers the phone, and I am doubled over in hysterical laughter. She sounded quite confused and I told her if they record those sessions with the talking robot, she needs to get a copy of it.

I explained my problem, I ordered a new remote control because SOMEONE lost it, and it was supposed to arrive Friday. She told me that she needs to transfer me to installation, where they can track it with FedUPS or whomever. So I sat on hold and listened to the lovely Latin boogie music while trying to put away some laundry. Well, let's just say I got a little "into" the boogie music and during my Christina Aguilara impression, my big face hung up on installation. DARN.

So I redialed.

"HI! Thank you for calling (Satellite TV Provider). I see you are calling from (phone number). Is that the correct number for the account you are calling about? Please say Yes or No."

"YES"

"OK, before I transfer you to a representative, please tell me specifically what you are calling about today."

"Installation."

"I'm sorry, I did not get that."

"IN.STAL.LA.TION."

"OK, hold on for an agent."

"YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" (I learn fast)

So here comes the boogie music again, and I managed to refrain. After much music and little announcements about keeping my phone plugged into my satellite system so that I could get the sports stuff, the guy comes on from installation. So installation tells me that the FedUPS guy put it on my porch on Friday. I said um, no they didn't. He said he would get FedUPS to put a trace on it. HUH? Does that mean wherever it is, it will start flashing and beeping? I hope so. Maybe the other one that we lost will flash and beep too. It's just amazing though. We lost the first remote, and then we lost the second one before it even came into our house. This is how it is around here. All.the.time.

****UPDATE****
Tuesday morning FedUPS shows up on my porch with the missing remote AFTER they told the satellite folks that they had put it on my porch last Friday. hmmmmmmm....

Conversations with Hubby

So I was speaking with my husband via instant messenger this morning, and the conversation went like this:

Val says:
hey sweets
John says:
hey Babe
Val says:
howzit going
John says:
not too bad
Val says:
good
Val says:
I'm trying to talk myself into getting on the treadmill but it's almost noon
Val says:
so I'm thinking not
Val says:
OK bed time tonight is 9:30pm I can't get jack out of these slugs
Val says:
me being one of the slugs
John says:
I'm running on pure caffeine
Val says:
Micah won't make lunch, Josh was in chat sans shower
Val says:
I'm sitting here in a tank top watching reruns of You Can't Do That on Television and finding it REALLY hard to breathe in and out without complaining about it
John says:
Chat sans shower?
Val says:
so yeah... I'm sure you're much worse off, I slept til 8:45
Val says:
Josh was chatting in cafejesus, without having had a shower
Val says:
I'm sure they don't mind but I do
John says:
sans?
Val says:
sans = without
Val says:
french preposition
Val says:
and ironically a member of a traditionally nomadic hunting people of southwest Africa
John says:
showoff
Val says:
sure they don't take showers either
John says:
You're too funny

(Let me just add that we went to bed last night at 1am because Josh, Micah, Sarah (Micah's friend), Jackie (Josh's friend), John, and I were playing yahoo graffiti and literati and there wasn't a grown-up around to tell us to go to bed)

So I'm just wondering, does anyone use "sans" any more? I remember reading it for the first time in some book and wondering what it meant. So I looked it up and WOW! What a neat word! I found every excuse I could think of to slip that little gem into my speech. But being in Alabama, I basically ended up with some strange looks. I didn't want to be branded as "high falutin'..." So I let that one slide out of my vocabulary as slyly as I had worked it in.

I sometimes ponder what kind of impact the internet, instant messenger, text messaging and the like have on the English language. I'm sure sometime in the future, when my 13-year-old daughter is president, people will be saying TTFN and LOL out loud, in public. *GROAN* Yes, on the internet, people cannot see your expression or hear your tone, and you do have to elaborate on those things via text. However, when I am sitting in a restaurant with my friends, I would really hate for one of them to pipe up, "OMG! Did you see what that girl was wearing? IMHO, she should have skipped the legwarmers, LOL! IIRC, legwarmers went out in the 80s!" I wonder if we'll just carry around little keyboards and have some kind of scrolling text over our heads.
So sans, I mourn your loss of use along with all the great words that no one uses any more, such as spat, or thrice, or legwarmers...

Miss Manners Never Addressed These Things

Today I want to talk about a few things that bounce around in my head occasionally. Today it's manners, and specifically, things that Miss Manners might have missed. I'm sure somewhere, someone has addressed some of these things, but maybe someone can clue me in.

Here's what got me to thinkin'... Recently I was having dinner out with my hubby, just hubby and me, and no children. It was really nice. So I went into the restroom and this woman was changing her adorable baby's diaper, which wasn't as adorable as the baby. (I think I understand why God put our bum so far from our face) The baby was a little older, like over a year or so. This diaper made my eyes water, but I do remember changing diapers so I just smiled and held my breath and went on to do my business. As I was leaving, I noticed the woman was stuffing this awful-smelling ball of nastiness into the garbage can. She didn't bag it or wrap it up at all, just stuffed the whole thing into the garbage can for anyone who came along later to gag at the smellage. Now, I remember changing a wiggly baby on those changing tables where there was no flat surface to put anything at all, and heaven knows you can't put the wipes anywhere near the flailing octopus arms of doom. But whenever I changed a smelly package like that, I at least double bagged it before I shoved it in the garbage. I'm not sure it really helped the smell, but it was my attempt at being considerate. Not everyone thinks your baby's diaper smells like manna from the Lord!

So I hid my shock and went on out to finish dinner, but the whole thing got me to thinking. Shouldn't there be some kind of etiquette rules for disposing of baby poo in the public restroom? Or maybe the restaurants should have like a "poop chute" type of bin that when you put a diaper in, it is carried immediately out of the restaurant into the dumpster outside. Sounds like a great invention, right? Someone should get on that, snap to it!

But then there's so much worse that people do with their adorable babies. For instance, during this same date (childless remember), we were seated at a long line of booths that connected to each other, and on either side of us was a couple with their adorable babies. I love babies, but we were practically having dinner with two couples on either side of us, and their babies were in the high chairs, which were actually touching our table we were so squished together. On the one side, I had to keep moving my purse because one kid was digging all in there and getting my keys out. On the other side, I had to basically paper my arm with napkins because the other kid kept smearing his breadstick on my shirt. And the oblivious couples just assumed that was how I wanted to spend my rare childless date with my hubby. They just laughed and said, oh how cute, and carried on. And who wants to be the jerk who hates babies? Not me!

Anyway, I'm coming off sounding like a baby-hater here. I do remember trying to eat out with small ones, and we still have a few littles who have a hard time behaving in public. But I don't think that at any time, I allowed my children's behavior to ruin someone else's evening out. I'd rather stay home!

Anyway, here's me blathering on about manners again... ;)