Voice Activated Menus

"HI! Thank you for calling (Satellite TV Provider). I see you are calling from (phone number). Is that the correct number for the account you are calling about? Please say Yes or No."

"Yes"

"I'm sorry, I did not get that."

"YES"

"OK, before I transfer you to a representative, please tell me specifically what you are calling about today."

"I ordered a remote control, and it has not arrived."

"I'm sorry, that movie has already started, it will be available again on September 12 at 10pm for $6.50. Please say the title of another movie you would like to order, or say 'Main Menu' to return to the previous menu."

"Main Menu."

"I'm sorry, that movie is rated for mature viewers, and your account is restricted from this type of film. Please choose another feature."

"MAIN MENU."

"I'm sorry, that movie is rated for mature viewers, and your account is restricted from this type of film. Please choose another feature."

"I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO A HUMAN PLEASE!"

"OK, before I transfer you to a representative, please tell me specifically what you are calling about today."

"I ordered a remote control and it has not arrived."

"I'm sorry, that movie has already started..."

"IF YOU DON'T PUT A #$@$#% HUMAN ON THE #@$@%&^* PHONE RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO..."

"You can order this movie for a $1.50 convenience fee, if I transfer you to an agent, it will cost $3.50 more."

CLICK.

"HI! Thank you for calling (Satellite TV Provider). I see you are calling from (phone number). Is that the correct number for the account you are calling about? Please say Yes or No."

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 (dialing zeros)

"I am transferring you to an agent now."

"THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

So the agent answers the phone, and I am doubled over in hysterical laughter. She sounded quite confused and I told her if they record those sessions with the talking robot, she needs to get a copy of it.

I explained my problem, I ordered a new remote control because SOMEONE lost it, and it was supposed to arrive Friday. She told me that she needs to transfer me to installation, where they can track it with FedUPS or whomever. So I sat on hold and listened to the lovely Latin boogie music while trying to put away some laundry. Well, let's just say I got a little "into" the boogie music and during my Christina Aguilara impression, my big face hung up on installation. DARN.

So I redialed.

"HI! Thank you for calling (Satellite TV Provider). I see you are calling from (phone number). Is that the correct number for the account you are calling about? Please say Yes or No."

"YES"

"OK, before I transfer you to a representative, please tell me specifically what you are calling about today."

"Installation."

"I'm sorry, I did not get that."

"IN.STAL.LA.TION."

"OK, hold on for an agent."

"YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" (I learn fast)

So here comes the boogie music again, and I managed to refrain. After much music and little announcements about keeping my phone plugged into my satellite system so that I could get the sports stuff, the guy comes on from installation. So installation tells me that the FedUPS guy put it on my porch on Friday. I said um, no they didn't. He said he would get FedUPS to put a trace on it. HUH? Does that mean wherever it is, it will start flashing and beeping? I hope so. Maybe the other one that we lost will flash and beep too. It's just amazing though. We lost the first remote, and then we lost the second one before it even came into our house. This is how it is around here. All.the.time.

****UPDATE****
Tuesday morning FedUPS shows up on my porch with the missing remote AFTER they told the satellite folks that they had put it on my porch last Friday. hmmmmmmm....

Conversations with Hubby

So I was speaking with my husband via instant messenger this morning, and the conversation went like this:

Val says:
hey sweets
John says:
hey Babe
Val says:
howzit going
John says:
not too bad
Val says:
good
Val says:
I'm trying to talk myself into getting on the treadmill but it's almost noon
Val says:
so I'm thinking not
Val says:
OK bed time tonight is 9:30pm I can't get jack out of these slugs
Val says:
me being one of the slugs
John says:
I'm running on pure caffeine
Val says:
Micah won't make lunch, Josh was in chat sans shower
Val says:
I'm sitting here in a tank top watching reruns of You Can't Do That on Television and finding it REALLY hard to breathe in and out without complaining about it
John says:
Chat sans shower?
Val says:
so yeah... I'm sure you're much worse off, I slept til 8:45
Val says:
Josh was chatting in cafejesus, without having had a shower
Val says:
I'm sure they don't mind but I do
John says:
sans?
Val says:
sans = without
Val says:
french preposition
Val says:
and ironically a member of a traditionally nomadic hunting people of southwest Africa
John says:
showoff
Val says:
sure they don't take showers either
John says:
You're too funny

(Let me just add that we went to bed last night at 1am because Josh, Micah, Sarah (Micah's friend), Jackie (Josh's friend), John, and I were playing yahoo graffiti and literati and there wasn't a grown-up around to tell us to go to bed)

So I'm just wondering, does anyone use "sans" any more? I remember reading it for the first time in some book and wondering what it meant. So I looked it up and WOW! What a neat word! I found every excuse I could think of to slip that little gem into my speech. But being in Alabama, I basically ended up with some strange looks. I didn't want to be branded as "high falutin'..." So I let that one slide out of my vocabulary as slyly as I had worked it in.

I sometimes ponder what kind of impact the internet, instant messenger, text messaging and the like have on the English language. I'm sure sometime in the future, when my 13-year-old daughter is president, people will be saying TTFN and LOL out loud, in public. *GROAN* Yes, on the internet, people cannot see your expression or hear your tone, and you do have to elaborate on those things via text. However, when I am sitting in a restaurant with my friends, I would really hate for one of them to pipe up, "OMG! Did you see what that girl was wearing? IMHO, she should have skipped the legwarmers, LOL! IIRC, legwarmers went out in the 80s!" I wonder if we'll just carry around little keyboards and have some kind of scrolling text over our heads.
So sans, I mourn your loss of use along with all the great words that no one uses any more, such as spat, or thrice, or legwarmers...

Miss Manners Never Addressed These Things

Today I want to talk about a few things that bounce around in my head occasionally. Today it's manners, and specifically, things that Miss Manners might have missed. I'm sure somewhere, someone has addressed some of these things, but maybe someone can clue me in.

Here's what got me to thinkin'... Recently I was having dinner out with my hubby, just hubby and me, and no children. It was really nice. So I went into the restroom and this woman was changing her adorable baby's diaper, which wasn't as adorable as the baby. (I think I understand why God put our bum so far from our face) The baby was a little older, like over a year or so. This diaper made my eyes water, but I do remember changing diapers so I just smiled and held my breath and went on to do my business. As I was leaving, I noticed the woman was stuffing this awful-smelling ball of nastiness into the garbage can. She didn't bag it or wrap it up at all, just stuffed the whole thing into the garbage can for anyone who came along later to gag at the smellage. Now, I remember changing a wiggly baby on those changing tables where there was no flat surface to put anything at all, and heaven knows you can't put the wipes anywhere near the flailing octopus arms of doom. But whenever I changed a smelly package like that, I at least double bagged it before I shoved it in the garbage. I'm not sure it really helped the smell, but it was my attempt at being considerate. Not everyone thinks your baby's diaper smells like manna from the Lord!

So I hid my shock and went on out to finish dinner, but the whole thing got me to thinking. Shouldn't there be some kind of etiquette rules for disposing of baby poo in the public restroom? Or maybe the restaurants should have like a "poop chute" type of bin that when you put a diaper in, it is carried immediately out of the restaurant into the dumpster outside. Sounds like a great invention, right? Someone should get on that, snap to it!

But then there's so much worse that people do with their adorable babies. For instance, during this same date (childless remember), we were seated at a long line of booths that connected to each other, and on either side of us was a couple with their adorable babies. I love babies, but we were practically having dinner with two couples on either side of us, and their babies were in the high chairs, which were actually touching our table we were so squished together. On the one side, I had to keep moving my purse because one kid was digging all in there and getting my keys out. On the other side, I had to basically paper my arm with napkins because the other kid kept smearing his breadstick on my shirt. And the oblivious couples just assumed that was how I wanted to spend my rare childless date with my hubby. They just laughed and said, oh how cute, and carried on. And who wants to be the jerk who hates babies? Not me!

Anyway, I'm coming off sounding like a baby-hater here. I do remember trying to eat out with small ones, and we still have a few littles who have a hard time behaving in public. But I don't think that at any time, I allowed my children's behavior to ruin someone else's evening out. I'd rather stay home!

Anyway, here's me blathering on about manners again... ;)

Things That Don’t Happen to Thin People

10. Thin people don't stand in line for two hours at Six Flags and then realize that their ARSE doesn't fit in the roller coaster seat.
9. Thin people don't worry about having to get a seat belt extender on the airplane.
8. Thin people don't find that their butt has escaped between the slats in the lawn chair and is now scraping the ground.
7. Thin people don't have to worry about getting out of the tanning bed to find that three inches on each side of their body didn't get any "sun".
6. Thin people don't have to mentally calculate whether the elevator can take them on in addition to the others already aboard.
5. Thin people don't end up on America's Funniest Videos in some kind of porch swing or above-ground pool incident.
4. Thin people can usually para-sail without fear of overloading a boat motor.
3. Thin people can drive a Cooper Mini.
2. Thin people don't usually get snickered at in Cycling Gear.
1. Thin people can order a double Whopper without so much as a raised eyebrow from the Burger King staff.

Just thought I'd share about some of the things in life that thin people miss out on. It's a wonder they have any fun at all...

Hit Man Wanted…

I have lived in this house for 3 years. In the time that we have lived here, it has come to my attention that the man from down the street encourages his stupid poodle to take his daily poop walks in MY yard. Sadly, the first time I had my suspicions, the poodle was not in the yard, but his little present was oozing between my toes. Yes, I used to go check my mail barefoot. But not any more.

About two weeks after we moved in, I looked out of my kitchen window to see the gentleman walking down the cul de sac towards my house. Let me also add that he passes TWO empty lots and about 5 other houses to get to my yard. His stupid little poodle is walking alongside him. The man stopped to chat with a neighbor, and that's when it happened. He looks at the poodle, and then points his finger toward the plum tree in my yard. The poodle then walks up to the plum tree and deposits a pile of poodle poo underneath it. I walked out the front door and made eye contact with this fellow. And I shook my head. I thought I made my point, but I think he took it as a dare.

My other neighbor actually approached the guy because the poodle was going in his yard too. He asked the guy to keep his poopy poodle out of his yard. I think it might have worked. But the poodle is still pooping in my yard. I even try to scare the thing out of the yard. I have thrown rocks at it, sent my dog after it, and even tried to hit it with my car. Well I wouldn't have hit it with my car, but I want it and its owner to think I might.

So what do I do? Can you hire a hit on a poodle? Are there poodle hit men? I actually have a plan, but I don't know if I have the guts. We've bought a lot in another neighborhood with the intention of building a house. Our neighbors have two horses. Horses make big poop. I thought maybe I should collect some of these piles of horse puckey and maybe plant a few poo piles in the poodle guy's yard. But I'm a big chicken. I'm open to ideas...

People Who Sing in the Car Uno Mas

Funny how after I write a whole blog on this subject, something funny happens. Yesterday I was driving down the road, and "Loosen Up My Buttons" came on the radio. It's not my favorite song, and as I reached to change the station, I happened to look in my rearview mirror. What I saw made me change my mind about changing the station. There was a car behind me, and in that car, was your typical house-wife looking chick with a GIANT FUZZBALL OF A DOG sitting right next to her. She was bopping all over the place and singing along with the radio, which happened to be tuned to the same station as mine. You haven't lived until you've seen hausfrau-woman singing "Loosen up my buttons, babe..." to her oversized slobbery poofy dog. The dog seemed to be enjoying the serenade, but I was getting the biggest laugh.

Then the light turned green and housewife lady laid down on the horn. Guess she was in a hurry, but then she realized I was laughing at her, and she wasn't pleased.

So I guess I'm a hypocrite, laughing at other car singer-alongers. But I couldn't keep a straight face.

People Who Sing in the Car

A few years ago, I saw this show on VH1 about people who have friends who sing shamelessly along with the music in their cars, whether they have any musical talent at all. These people bring their singing friends on this show, hide a camera in their rear-view mirror, and video them while they are rocking it out in their car. They start off with these people alone in their car. They just sing along with the radio, and occasionally they talk to themselves too. Then they have a segment where they ride along with the annoyed friend and do the singing thing while riding along with the friend in the passenger seat. Somehow the judges on the show decide who is the best (or is it worst?) car music singer-alonger.

The thing is, these people really don't care if anyone hears them sing. They don't care if they can sing well. They just enjoy listening to music and participating in the groovy tunes. It's not an audition, it's just a good time.

And if you're wondering, YEP, I'm a car music singer-alonger. Many times I have been "caught" at a traffic light belting out the tunes. I am in my car, in my world, listening to my radio. If I know the words (or even if I don't) I WILL sing along. Just the other day, I was rockin' out to some Evanescence on the radio. I was stopped at a red light, and I look to my right to see three young dudes laughing and pointing. Did it embarrass me? Did it stop me? Abso-smurfly NOT! I just waved and grinned and kept right on with Call Me When You're Sober.

So if any of you would like to drag me on that show, feel free. I don't think any of the previous "contestants?" have changed their ways. I know I won't.

Now about those people that dance in their car...